Last week I was in Russia (Pskov and Petersburg AHHHAHSDFHAD) on a study trip, and when we were in the most amazing supermarket of all time that was exacty like the Home Depot of food I decided I had to buy this instant coffee, which I surmised would be astoundingly and fantastically terrible. (The company is MOSCOW COFFEE. And then some more words that I don’t understand.) There were a lot of other kinds, including one that had the Eiffel Tower on it, but I decided to go for the less-good-looking one. So.
I’m writing this before tasting the coffee, because I’m a little worried that things will Never Be The Same, and not in a good way, after I drink it. The coffee particles look a lot like dried wood chips, a la the ending of Fargo. They are a very strange color. Some of them look like coffee, some of them look entirely not like coffee. The smell is not un-coffee-like, however. It has that slightly acidic smell that some kinds of coffee have. (I am hesitant to compare it to anything because that just seems mean.) Fuck, the water finished boiling. My fate is nigh.
Well then. I put in approximately four spoonfuls of coffee (twice the recommended amount) and some sugar and tasted it. It tasted exactly like water, so I put in approximately four more spoonfuls and tasted it again, and now it just tastes like really acidic, bad coffee, but not in an interesting way. That is extremely disappointing. I wanted to write about the NOSE and NOTES OF MANURE and stuff like that. But it just tastes like bad coffee. Life, man. On the bright side this is how I’m breaking my Yom Kippur “fast” (shut up), and my rule for not fasting is like basically that you just don’t eat anything good. So this falls into that category. Goodbye, worthwhile mornings. See you in a few weeks.
OK wait, two more notes. One: This coffee made me write the weirdest shit of all time in my morning free writing; and two, I feel WEIRD AS FUCK right now. I’ve had like one-fifth of the cup. Oh shit I put way too much coffee in here. Oh no. I am going to go run around for 29384 years and then jump up and down for like ten hours.
Update 2: I spent the ENTIRE REST OF THE DAY TWITCHING LIKE MAD. Whoops.