Wow, I am super not in the mood for this. I was trying to get over writer’s block by writing some nonsense here but I already don’t feel like listening to myself. Oh well I already took all the #relativelyshitty photos (that was self-deprecating in a charming way, but actually they are not good photos) so I have to write. Please send me a story idea and I will write it.
I went to the supermarket, as usual, and I was very cranky when I got there because I was hungry, and the supermarket was entirely full of couples fighting and children having mental breakdowns, so I joined them and also had a mental breakdown. This was brought on mostly by walking back and forth several times trying to find barley, and then it was where I thought it was all along. Then I spent 400 hours trying to decide what ice cream to get, and trying to find feta cheese. Long story short, I bought a pineapple.
If you brought me diamonds, if you brought me pearls, if you brought me roses like some other gents might bring to other girls, it couldn’t please me more than the gift I see—a pineapple for me.
I also saw another woman who had a pineapple in her shopping cart, and it was SOMEONE I KNEW. I mean I have no idea who she was but I’ve seen her. Possibly at the supermarket. Or in my building. I wanted to say hi but I did not because she does not know me.
Then I left the supermarket. I had to find a transportation that was not the subway because the Q wasn’t running all weekend. (My dad: Oh, are they repairing it? Me: I don’t think so.) So I spent a really long time looking for either a bus stop or a stop for the fake-Q bus (little buses wearing signs that say Q Train, which is cute if you are on the bus but not cute if the buses are racing by you). I found a Q bus and followed it to see where it would stop, but then it vanished into thin air, because that’s… how the MTA works? So I just waited at a bus stop, and I saw four or five Q buses, but none of them ever stopped, they just all continually signaled that they were pulling into traffic and raced by me—completely packed full of people, who I guess had gotten on in the netherworld. (Also, a man asked me if the B41 stopped there, and I was like, yeah, and a few minutes later he got into an unmarked white van.) Eventually I got home.
Since I have no idea how to cut up a pineapple I was anticipating this post just being photos of more and more severed fingers, but actually it was pretty easy. I followed Simply Recipes‘ instructions and it was really easy and for a while I had a pretty pattern going on before I ruined it. OH, I forgot to mention the point of this post. So I make a quick bread like every week for breakfast, just like whatever fruit I have/buy and cinnamon or whatever, so I was making pineapple quickbread. I usually use this one recipe I like and just change the kind of fruit and whatnot.
Anyway. I cut up the pineapple. It did not go badly.
Some cool patterns + some other stuff
So you cut it into four quarters, and then you cut out the hard middle thing. I halved the quarters to make it easier.
Slice slice slice [/hack hack hack]. So I couldn’t exactly tell how much of the middle you had to get rid of, so I just chopped out… some. I’ll see how it goes.
Then I did the rest of the bread-making.
Now it’s in the oven. That is literally it and that was a boring story and I still have writer’s block. Now I have to make dinner, which I do not want to eat because dinner is stupid.
Here it is. It fell down in the middle because I don’t know how to bake.
TWO UPDATES: I was slicing pumpkin/squash for dinner to go with the barley and I cut my finger horribly. So ultimately everything turned out the way I thought it would. I can’t remember what the second update was. I’ll tell you tomorrow how the bread is.
Quickbread with whatever (adapted from AllRecipes)
- 1.5 c diced pineapple (or whatever kind of fruit; one pear or apple is usually approx a cup, I’ve found. But it also really doesn’t matter how much you use)
- .5 c sugar (I sometimes do more like .75 c, depending on nothing. And I used brown sugar this time because it sounded like a good idea)
- .75 tsp ground ginger
- [.25 tsp ground cloves, but I omitted because why would I have cloves]
- .5 c butter (melted!!) or oil (if you click on the actual link you’ll notice I didn’t remotely follow the recipe. This recipe sometimes turns out weirdly and grossly goopy, so I reduced the liquidy stuff. I’ve used all different kinds of butters and/or oils in quickbreads and I think whatever is fine—sunflower, vegetable, canola, etc.)
- 1.5 tsp vanilla [OR NO VANILLA IF YOU BOUGHT THE VANILLA BUT THE VANILLA STAYED AT THE STORE BECAUSE SOMETHINGSOMETHING MTA SOMETHING, I ASSUME] (in all honesty vanilla is a scam, it makes no difference)
- 2 eggs
- 1.5 c whole wheat flour (or regular, or white whole wheat, or whatttevvvverrrrr—not sure if I’m just used to it or what but I think quickbreads are fine with all whole wheat flour)
- 1.5 tsp baking soda (this is the only thing that sort of matters to do the right amount)
- somewhere between .25 and .5 tsp baking powder (this also sort of matters, ish)
- .75 tsp salt (obviously all these measures are dumb, so I just use the 1 tsp thing and fill it up a certain amount and call it a day)
Mix the pineapple and sugar until it becomes soupy. Add the spices and butter/oil and then the eggs—wait a bit before adding the eggs so they don’t cook!!! And mix them well. If you don’t do these two things, something *extremely* disgusting will happen that I won’t tell you about. Don’t even bother adding the vanilla.
In another bowl or perhaps in a large measuring cup, mix the flour and other dry stuff. If you do not do this, you will end up with disgusting salty pockets.
Mix everything together. If it looks super doughy, such that you’re more spooning/glopping it out into the pan rather than pouring it out, you might add some milk or a little more oil. This is not usually a problem with this recipe. Mine looks a lot less gloppy than usual so we’ll see how it goes.
Put it in the oven. I am experimenting with 350° so I’ll see what happens. [UPDATE: No, you should do it at 325°.] Put it in until a knife inserted in the center comes out more or less dry, i.e. little crumby things are OK but liquid batter not so much. It’s usually 50 minutes or so.
The Relatively Shitty Cook 